Soon the world will be converging on Nagano Japan for about three weeks of the most
boring, sleep inducing and nauseating competition in the entire godforsaken world.
I
hate the Winter Olympics.
None of the sports really look like sports, with the obvious
exception of hockey. Most of the female athletes look like bad TV actresses, and the
male athletes look like hair dressers. Of course, I'm mainly talking about the
figure skaters, but you get the idea. How come ballet in its natural state is an art form but when
you put them in ice skates it becomes a sport? It makes no sense to me at all.
My girlfriend, Elizabeth, loves the Winter Olympics and will probably be all weepy
eyed watching the personal pieces about all the figure skaters and speed skaters who
have lost a loved one or overcame a bunion when they were 12. It's all so touching.
But while I am watching little pug-nosed Lulu the 14 year-old ice skater from
Romania and her personal struggle against bon-bons, I'm missing the US wax
Romania at ice hockey or the Jamaican bob-sled team decapitating themselves.
The only plus about the Winter Olympics over the Summer Games in 1996 is it will
be on CBS. . .so, as far as I know, no John Tesh. Of course, this only applies to American
Viewers. Hopefully there won't be an Olympic ice bomber lurking near the ski-jump
ramp either.
Really though, I think there needs to be two networks in every country broadcasting
the Olympics: One for the gals and one for the guys. So while Elizabeth is watching
Michelle Kwon, Katarina Witt, Scott Hamilton and Brian Boitano I can watch ice
hockey, the downhill luge and that sport that combines the related ideas of skiing and
shooting guns.
While Elizabeth is learning about some 90 pound figure skater and her charity work at
the YWCA I can learn how the center for the Canadian Hockey Team beat up his
little brothers everyday as a child.
All of the commercials on the women's network will be for feminine hygiene
products, diet soda and Pier One Imports. On the men's network? Advertisements
for beer, Rogaine and TV Dinners.
The commentators on the chick channel will be Rosie O'Donnell, Jane Pauly and
Gloria Steinem. The commentators on the nadial network will be Cindy Crawford,
Pamela Lee and that woman from the old Whitesnake videos from the 1980's.
Elizabeth just told me I'm making her sound like a silly woman. Well, I told her I'm
making myself sound like a silly man. And she had three little brothers, whom she
beat up everyday as a child.
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