A part of

Issue # 14 Thursday, Feb. 5, 1998

About the Author:

Charles Loyd McIntosh

In 1997 Charles Loyd McIntosh was a news writer for the Talledega Daily Home (www.dailyhome.com). He was a former reporter for The Western Star in Bessemer (a small city west of Birmingham), Alabama, and a former Sports Editor for the Clanton Advertiser. At the time he was writing for the Sideroad, Loyd was pursuing a Masters in English degree at the University of Montevallo, Alabama. An avid sports fan, soccer is Loyd's sport of choice, one he has been known to coach in the recent past.

"The only plus about the Winter Olympics...
no John Tesh."


I Hate the Winter Olympics

Soon the world will be converging on Nagano Japan for about three weeks of the most boring, sleep inducing and nauseating competition in the entire godforsaken world.

I hate the Winter Olympics.

None of the sports really look like sports, with the obvious exception of hockey. Most of the female athletes look like bad TV actresses, and the male athletes look like hair dressers. Of course, I'm mainly talking about the figure skaters, but you get the idea. How come ballet in its natural state is an art form but when you put them in ice skates it becomes a sport? It makes no sense to me at all.

My girlfriend, Elizabeth, loves the Winter Olympics and will probably be all weepy eyed watching the personal pieces about all the figure skaters and speed skaters who have lost a loved one or overcame a bunion when they were 12. It's all so touching. But while I am watching little pug-nosed Lulu the 14 year-old ice skater from Romania and her personal struggle against bon-bons, I'm missing the US wax Romania at ice hockey or the Jamaican bob-sled team decapitating themselves.

The only plus about the Winter Olympics over the Summer Games in 1996 is it will be on CBS. . .so, as far as I know, no John Tesh. Of course, this only applies to American Viewers. Hopefully there won't be an Olympic ice bomber lurking near the ski-jump ramp either.

Really though, I think there needs to be two networks in every country broadcasting the Olympics: One for the gals and one for the guys. So while Elizabeth is watching Michelle Kwon, Katarina Witt, Scott Hamilton and Brian Boitano I can watch ice hockey, the downhill luge and that sport that combines the related ideas of skiing and shooting guns.

While Elizabeth is learning about some 90 pound figure skater and her charity work at the YWCA I can learn how the center for the Canadian Hockey Team beat up his little brothers everyday as a child.

All of the commercials on the women's network will be for feminine hygiene products, diet soda and Pier One Imports. On the men's network? Advertisements for beer, Rogaine and TV Dinners.

The commentators on the chick channel will be Rosie O'Donnell, Jane Pauly and Gloria Steinem. The commentators on the nadial network will be Cindy Crawford, Pamela Lee and that woman from the old Whitesnake videos from the 1980's.

Elizabeth just told me I'm making her sound like a silly woman. Well, I told her I'm making myself sound like a silly man. And she had three little brothers, whom she beat up everyday as a child.

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Text copyright Charles Loyd MacIntosh, 1997 - '98. Part of the original Sideroad ezine.
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