A part of

Issue # 16 Thursday, Feb., 19, 1998

About the Author:

Charles Loyd McIntosh

In 1997 Charles Loyd McIntosh was a news writer for the Talledega Daily Home (www.dailyhome.com). He was a former reporter for The Western Star in Bessemer (a small city west of Birmingham), Alabama, and a former Sports Editor for the Clanton Advertiser. At the time he was writing for the Sideroad, Loyd was pursuing a Masters in English degree at the University of Montevallo, Alabama. An avid sports fan, soccer is Loyd's sport of choice, one he has been known to coach in the recent past.


"This simply has to be the dumbest thing any sports league has EVER done."





TABLE OF CONTENTS

Dunking the NBA Slam-Dunk Competition

I was really looking forward to NBA weekend a couple of weeks ago, especially since this could be Michael Jordan's last year in the league. It's always a lot of fun to watch the other competitions, like the three-point shoot-out, the rookie all-star game and the old-timer's game. However, with a move that looks like the NBA and Commissiner David Stern intentially trying to shoot themselves in the ass, the NBA cut-out the slam-dunk competition.

What the hell?

This simply has to be the dumbest thing any sports league has EVER done. They replaced it with something called two-ball. This is where a two-person team made up of one NBA player and one WNBA player engage in a timed shooting competition.

So, instead of getting to see the leagues best players soar through the air like Superman in the games most exciting shot, we get to see some 5 foot 6 inch woman shooting a 12 foot jump-shot. This is like replacing Jimi Hendix's guitar with a bugle. Somehow it just wasn't the same.

Did the NBA think all those bent and torn up rims in every playground all over the freakin' world was from the continous pounding of free-throw after free-throw? Apparently.

But, David Stern also thinks the NBA doesn't have a drug problem. However, just looking at him you get the idea that he is really in tune with the young urban experience.

Since this is supposed to be such a great PR idea, I've made up a list of innovations that other sports leagues can institute to make their game more "marketable." (If you're in the Marketing Dept. of any of these leagues, you can contact me at the e-mail address below so I can tell you where to send the royalty cheques for these exciting new variations.)
  • In hockey, the NHL should institute a smaller, clearer puck, enabling it to blend even further with the ice. This will make the puck as impossible to see in person as it is to see on television.

  • In football, the NFL should ban all forward passes from now on. Today's quarterbacks have mastered this skill so the league needs a change. Fans will like a 3-0 game better than a 28-21 game anyway. Also, I suggest a TV timeout after every play.

  • During Major League Baseball's All-Star Weekend, the home-run competition should be replaced with the bunting competion. This will keep the fans on the edge of their seat as pitchers and shortstops from both leagues see who can bunt the most balls straight down the third base lines. Also, the "ghost man on first" rule should go into effect for teams that can't afford enough $20 million players to field a team.

  • In Soccer, I think we're all sick and tired of those high scoring 2-1games. FIFA, the international governing body of soccer, should shorten the goal by one foot and narrow it by two feet. Putting two goal-keepers (or goalies for my American readers) in each goal would also help.

  • Golf - see hockey above.

  • Finally, in order to make auto racing safer for participants, all cars should be replaced by one-speed tricycles. Helmets, roll cages and seatbelts will still be required (of course.)


With my innovations, the sports-powers-that-be could raise our excitement level to frightening new heights and bring their sports boldly into the 21st Century. . .Just like the NBA's new two-ball competition!




Next article > The "Glorious" US Olympic Hockey Team

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Text copyright Charles Loyd MacIntosh, 1997 - '98. Part of the original Sideroad ezine.
The new Sideroad - Your Road to Expert Advice - is now receiving traffic at www.sideroad.com.