Hey, who sent the Dallas Cowboys to Nagano to represent the United States in
Olympic Hockey? Was that a disgrace or what?
Some of you aren't sure because
no one watched the Winter Olympics, but that doesn't keep me from talking about
it. It was simply disgusting to see grown men making the Jamaican Bobsled team
look like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Hearing about those spoiled brat hockey players trashing their hotel rooms
cemented one idea in my head: we simply shouldn't send professional athletes to
No more Dream Team, no more Charles Barkley beating up
120 pound Australian point guards, no more hockey players doing their
impression of Keith Moon. It's like sending Motley Crue as the US four-man
This craziness should simply stop now. Put age limits on all of these sports.
Olympic soccer has a cut-off of 23 years-old. Maybe basketball and hockey should
do the same to prevent any more summer camp flashbacks.
If the athletes we send to the Olympics aren't going to be as awestruck about the experience as they are
pissed off about the unavailability of bars and prostitues, maybe those athletes
should stay home. What does this juvenile behavior say about Uncle Sam and the
good 'ol United States to the rest of the freakin' world?
I'll tell you one thing it shows me. It shows me the complete USELESSNESS of the
Winter Olympics. Try as I might, I just can't get excited about ice dancing and the luge.
Am I sounding like a broken record, very well I'm sounding like a broken record. (Editor's Note: Ten points for anyone who caught that as a reference to Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass where he says - "Do I
contradict myself, very well I contradict myself". Show-off.)
Hockey is another one of those
sports that hoped to expand its appeal with the Winter Games. The only problem,
no one watched the Winter Games. So, when the US Hockey Team realized they
weren't the center of attention, they decided to throw a temper tantrum.
How very American.
Again, exactly what does this show the world? Well, we're America, dammit. We are
THE Super Power. If you don't believe us, we'll put shaving cream in the fire alarms
and Kool-Aid in the showers. We'll even give swirlies to the Finnish Curling Team. "That'll learn ya'."
Maybe the President could have taken time from his busy schedule of doinkin'
interns and stepped in. Perhaps a weekend bombing of Belarus. That would have
completely taken their minds off the Olympics ensuring an American victory!
USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!
The absolute bottom line, no one in America has cared about Olympic hockey for
nearly 20 years. And, prior to 1980, I'm not sure any one cared at all. So why am I
spending so much time on this?
Because it's a slow sports week.
And if you don't like it, I'll put a "kick me" sign on your back and a whoopie cushion
under your chair.
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