Building Bridges

Issue # 16 of 43 

David LeClaire
By: David LeClaire

Techniques That Work

On a day to day basis, there are many very simple and timeless things a couple can do for mini-tune-ups or pleasure enhancements in the privacy of their own home, which cost nothing, and are also quite valuable. Here are my favorite five:

1) What I Love About You
One of the best gifts anyone can give their partner is a list of things they love about them. Focus on the attributes of your partner that you really appreciate and respect them for.

  • What makes him/her better than the others of their gender, in your opinion?
  • What special gifts do they have?
  • What things do they do that makes it easy to love them?
Giving such a list to your partner is always treasured, and helps you consciously focus on the gift they are to your life as well.

This acknowledgement is one of the best forms of non-physical foreplay. While you are laying in bed holding each other closely, think of one or two of the things that would be on your list, and mention them to your partner. A sure way to bring you closer to each other is to mention what you love about each other.

Another great gesture is to bring up some of the most enjoyable times you've shared together as a couple. Visualize the day you spent together that was one of your favorites, and picture being there again with your partner. Whether it was a celebration, a day on vacation, or just a downright steamy lovemaking session, put yourself back in that place, and then let them in on what you've been thinking about.

2) Make A Pact
A great way to get back on track if you're experiencing a dip in sexual activity is to agree on a pact for making love with your partner. What works best is when you both decide on a specific number of days, say five in a row, that you will make love together. This must be a no matter what deal. The two of you make adjustments in your schedules or get creative if necessary in order to do what it will take to achieve successful completion of the arrangement.

If you set out a specified number of days and both stick to it, you'll be amazed at how fun it can be and how easy it really is to do. The time of day may need to vary, maybe even the location. Chances are you will have to plan when and where your next day's interlude will take place in order to see success. Try it just for fun if for no other reason. I suggest that busy couples who have challenging lifestyles and schedules do this a couple times a year just for a good solid dose of lovin'!

3) Yellow Light
Everyone knows that a flashing yellow light means slow down and proceed with caution. This message is perfect for the couple who is already in the process of making love and would like to extend the pleasurable experience. When one person is rapidly approaching the point of orgasm, they simply need to say, yellow, which cues their partner to slow down or maybe even to stop moving altogether.

This allows the person who is at the yellow stage to relax and calm down slightly, enabling them to resume making love without rushing into orgasm. Since it is rare that couples will have perfect timing and always have orgasms together, this technique also allows the other partner to catch up. Many times one partner is ready to have an orgasm and the other isn't. Yet after going through a yellow or two, both people may find they are both ready to have an orgasm and can then enjoy proceeding towards experiencing one together.

The key is to not wait too long before saying yellow, since there is a point of no return. Also, quite often people are afraid they'll lose the orgasm by stopping. If your partner doesn't mind using this technique, and you try it a few times together, I think you'll discover that you never lose the orgasm. Once you are at that stage, it doesn't take too much to get right back to the same point you left off at.

Since many couples don't have sex with a lot of frequency, when they are making love, why not extend it and make it last? Achieving orgasms are not the sole purpose of sex, but certainly a nice part of it. Why rush through it? When one person says, yellow, they are saying, "don't move, I want this moment with you to last longer." It's then time to breathe, hold on to each other, laugh, or run your fingers through your partner's hair. When your partner says it's safe to proceed, do so slowly and with caution. Most importantly, have fun!

4) The Twenty Second Kiss
The twenty second kiss is a long, slow, deliberate kiss. This is by no means a new idea, but one that is worthwhile none-the-less. Many couples eventually move from a regular diet of passionate kissing to routine lip pecks, reserving their passionate kissing for special occasions.

The length of this kiss makes it special. You don't have to reserve the twenty second kiss for the bedroom. It can be perfect before your partner is leaving to go somewhere, upon their arrival at home, or at any other time. Just ask for it by name, "honey, I want a 20 second kiss, please." How can one's partner say no? I do recommend however, that you never ask for a twenty second kiss after eating gorgonzola cheese or Oreo cookies.

5) The Sixty Second Hug
The sixty second hug is a wonderful way to say good-bye or to reconnect with each other after being separated during your days, and is a sweet way to express a non-sexual intimacy with each other. Don't be precise and exact about the time. Instead the basic idea is that you commit to at least a minute of a full body hug. When you do, something sort of magical happens after about 35 seconds. You relax in each others arms and begin to really feel each other breathing, feel the softness of their skin, and sort of melt into each other. Again, just ask for a sixty second hug anytime you want to feel close to your partner. It's easy, convenient, and affordable.

David LeClaire has spent much of his time teaching at community college and private school, and lead communications training for Fortune 500 companies. Now a popular and active Seattle area sommelier, this graduate of Central Michigan University led seminars for a wide variety of organizations. LeClaire is the author of "Bridges To A Passionate Partnership." He can be reached at

Building Bridges Table of Contents

Text © 1998, David LeClaire. Part of the original Sideroad.
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